Trusting Yourself & Rebuilding Confidence After Abuse
In the aftermath of an abusive relationship, especially one that has led you through the tumultuous journey of divorce, the path to healing can seem shrouded in mist. The person you once confided in, shared a life with, and perhaps even loved, became a source of pain and confusion. It’s a profound betrayal that can shake the very foundations of trust—not just in others, but, most critically, in yourself. Let’s take a moment to rediscover trust in the most important person in your life: You.
The Echoes of Doubt
Abusive relationships, at their core, function through a systematic undermining of our self-trust. This erosion of confidence is not incidental; it is deliberate, a tactic wielded to disempower and exert control. Over time, this insidious process seeds deep doubts within us about our thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, turning our inner compass into a source of confusion rather than guidance. The mechanics of this erosion are subtle and varied, manifesting through constant criticism, gaslighting, and the shifting of blame.
Criticism, relentless and unfounded, begins to paint our strengths as weaknesses, and our successes as failures, making us second-guess our worth and abilities. Gaslighting, a particularly nefarious tactic, skews our reality, making us question our memories, our sanity, and the validity of our feelings. When blame is perpetually shifted onto us for the problems in the relationship, it fosters an unjust sense of responsibility for the abusive partner’s actions, further entangling us in a web of self-doubt and guilt.
This environment of doubt and confusion breeds a profound mistrust in ourselves. Decisions become daunting, as we’ve been conditioned to believe in our purported inadequacy. Our feelings, once vibrant signals of our emotional landscape, now seem like unreliable narrators of our own experience. And our perceptions, constantly invalidated, leave us feeling unmoored by our sense of reality.
But it's crucial to recognize that this erosion of self-trust reflects the abuser’s manipulation, not of our failings. The process of reclaiming our self-trust begins with understanding the mechanisms of this erosion—not to assign blame to ourselves, but to start dismantling the doubts and fears instilled in us, piece by piece. As we shine a light on these tactics for what they are—tools of control—we can begin the work of rebuilding the trust in ourselves that was unjustly taken away.
Rebuilding this trust is an act of defiance against the narrative imposed upon us by our abusers. It's an affirmation of our right to trust our thoughts, honor our feelings, and rely on our perceptions. This journey back to self-trust is not just about healing from the past; it’s about empowering ourselves to move forward with confidence in our own agency, reclaiming control over our lives, and rediscovering the strength of our own inner voice.
Let’s acknowledge the darkness of past manipulation to reclaim the light of our own intuition and wisdom. It’s in this light that we find our way back to a place of self-trust, resilience, and profound healing.
The First Steps on the Path to Self-Trust
Acknowledge Your Strength: You’ve made a monumental decision to leave an abusive relationship and move forward with divorce. This decision, though fraught with challenges, speaks to an underlying strength and self-respect. Honor that. Recognize the courage it took to choose a different path.
Reconnect with Your Intuition: Abuse often forces us to suppress our instincts—to ignore the inner voice that signals danger or discomfort. Begin the process of reconnecting with your intuition by paying attention to how different situations, people, and decisions make you feel. Trust that your emotions and instincts are valid navigational tools.
Affirm Your Autonomy: Make small, daily decisions that affirm your autonomy. This could be as simple as choosing a meal you love or setting aside time for an activity you enjoy. Each decision is a building block in reconstructing your self-trust.
Set Boundaries: Learning to set and enforce healthy boundaries is both an act of self-love and a crucial step in rebuilding trust in yourself. Boundaries affirm that your needs, feelings, and well-being are important. Start with small boundaries and gradually expand as your confidence grows.
Embrace Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Healing is not linear, and moments of doubt do not equate to failure. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a dear friend in your situation.
Seek Supportive Communities: Surround yourself with people who validate your feelings and experiences. Whether it’s a support group for survivors of abuse or close friends and family, a supportive community can reinforce your journey to self-trust.
Trusting the Journey
As you navigate the aftermath of divorce from an abusive relationship, remember that rebuilding trust in yourself won’t happen overnight. It’s a journey marked by small victories, setbacks, and moments of profound realization. Each step forward, no matter how small, is a testament to your resilience and capacity for growth.
In the shadows of abuse, our inner voice was drowned out by the clamor of manipulation and control. Our thoughts were dismissed, our feelings belittled, and our perceptions distorted. Rebuilding trust in ourselves means nurturing that inner voice back to strength, listening to its whispers and roars with equal attention and respect. It means affirming that our thoughts are worthy of consideration, our emotions deserving of space, and our views of the world and our experiences within it are profoundly real.
Rebuilding trust in ourselves after an abusive relationship is a powerful act of defiance. It is a statement, loud and clear, that the narrative forced upon us by our abusers does not define us. This process of reclamation is both revolutionary and deeply personal. It's about standing firm in the belief that our thoughts are valid, our feelings are important, and our perceptions are accurate. This journey is not merely a path to recovery; it is a road to empowerment, a way to seize back the narrative of our own lives.
This act of defiance is not passive; it requires active engagement with our inner selves. It involves a deliberate choice to honor our intuition, even when it speaks uncomfortable truths. It demands that we confront the lies we were told about ourselves and dismantle them, piece by piece. This process is challenging and may evoke fear, doubt, and vulnerability. However, it is through facing these emotions, not avoiding them, that we reclaim our power.
Empowering ourselves to move forward with confidence is about more than healing the wounds of the past. It's about rewriting the script of our future. It involves setting boundaries that protect our well-being, making decisions that reflect our desires and values, and engaging in relationships that respect and enrich us. It's about crafting a life where we are the authors of our own stories, guided by a trust in ourselves that is informed by wisdom, compassion, and strength.
Reclaiming control over our lives means recognizing that we have choices. We can choose how we respond to our past, how we navigate our present, and what we dream for our future. It means understanding that we are not defined by what has been done to us, but by how we rise in response. Rediscovering the strength of our own inner voice is about tuning into our authentic selves, allowing that voice to guide us towards a life of fulfillment, purpose, and joy.
As we embark on this journey back to self-trust, let us remember that each step forward is an act of courage. With each act of trust in our thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, we not only heal but also build a foundation of self-assuredness that propels us towards a brighter, self-defined future. In this space of healing and empowerment, we find not just the version of ourselves that survived, but the version that thrives.
In trusting yourself, you’ll find the strength to not only navigate the challenges of today but also to embrace the possibilities of tomorrow. Your instincts, your decisions, your dreams—they all have value. They are the compass that will guide you through the storm to clearer skies.
Meet the author Jillian Deamer
Jillian was raised by a narcissistic, psychologically and emotionally abusive mother and was trapped in the abuse cycle for nearly four decades. She has a deep understanding of the healing and recovery process. Jillian suffered from Complex-PTSD, Disorganized-Attachment, Codependency, and Love Addiction and was a magnet for narcissistic and abusive relationships.
During her healing journey, she discovered that one cannot talk their way out of the pain, the trauma runs deep. It is because of this, Jillian uses an integrative trauma-informed approach to help her clients heal their mind, body, and spirit and reclaim their lives after abuse.
Jillian lives in Alpharetta, GA with her boyfriend, Chris, and her sweet cavapoo, Lucy. She is an introverted extrovert and enjoys spending time at home. Jillian enjoys going on long walks in Nature with Lucy, spending time with Chris and her family, and going to brunch with friends. One of her favorite things is to spend time outside on a beautiful day with those she loves.
After four decades of living in abusive, toxic, and chaotic environments, Jillian now joyfully lives a peaceful, calm, and quiet life.
For more information, you can find Jillian online @ jilliandeamer.com
and her free Facebook community
Email: jillian@jdintegrativecoaching.com
Instagram: jilliandeamer
Facebook: Jillian Deamer
TikTok: iamjilliandeamer
Jillian on Life Changes Channel Podcast with Deena Kordt: Episode #94 Hope in Hell: Narc Abuse Recovery
Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.
