Broken Bonds: Navigating Parental Alienation - One Father's Tale
Parental alienation is increasingly becoming a widely discussed and concerning issue in our society.
As a father who has personally experienced the profound impact of this form of abuse, I can attest to its far-reaching consequences.
The term "parental alienation" is catching the attention of many, but for me, it comes a little too late. Nonetheless, I feel compelled to share my journey and raise awareness about this distressing experience. It is crucial that those suffering from parental alienation receive compassion and empathy as we navigate through this challenging situation.
In this family dynamic, a child begins to harbor strong dislike or rejection towards one of their parents, despite that parent not having done anything wrong or harmful. The child's negative feelings and behaviors are disproportionate to their actual experiences with the rejected parent. Parental alienation often occurs when the child is influenced or manipulated by the other parent or sometimes by another person, such as a step-parent or grandparent.
Some of my story:
Over six years ago, I made the decision to leave my miserable marriage, knowing I had only one life to live, and I didn't want to spend it in a loveless, difficult marriage. Getting through our separation agreement went fairly smoothly, and I willingly gave her almost everything – including the house and all belongings – ensuring sufficient child support for our children. My focus was on providing a fair transition for my ex and our children while embarking on rebuilding my own life.
Little did I know that the true challenges lay ahead and the post-divorce abuse that was to come, as I encountered the grief-ridden experience of being alienated from my youngest son. As the first year passed after the separation, the signs of parental alienation became increasingly evident. My youngest son's withdrawal and abrupt silence shattered me, as our once-strong bond disintegrated before my eyes. It felt like an invisible barrier had been erected, leaving me adrift and ill-equipped to navigate this challenging situation. Confusion consumed me as I struggled to understand the reasons behind his sudden withdrawal and how to respond. This experience caught me off guard, and I was completely unaware and unprepared for this type of thing. Sadly, I had no idea that this could actually happen, and tragically, it is more common than I initially recognized. Recent research from the scholarly journal of Science Direct (2016) shows that parental alienation affects approximately 1 in 7 divorces, impacting both men and women.
Some of the things my ex did:
One of the things that happened during this ordeal was my ex's use of projection. Understanding this defense mechanism is crucial when dealing with alienators. Through projection, the parent causing the alienation wrongly blames the other parent for being mean or causing issues. This deceptive tactic paints the innocent parent as the one at fault, creating confusion and hindering efforts to see the truth of the situation. In my own experience, I later discovered that my ex portrayed me as someone who abandoned the family and I was whoring around (FYI, I was simply dating a year after our legal separation). She still to this day, seven years later, propagates many false rumors and often presents herself as the victim whenever possible, like telling anyone who will listen about how terrible a person and father I am.
Furthermore, my ex's alienating behavior extended to withholding crucial information about our children's lives from me. She would instruct the kids not to disclose certain details, such as which school they were attending or significant events they were participating in. This deliberate secrecy left me feeling excluded from their lives and unable to be actively involved in their educational and personal growth. In one distressing incident, she even coerced one of our children to quit a good job in the radio field because she wanted to move to a different part of the province - quitting this job became one of his biggest regrets. When I found out, I immediately told him to move in with me instead so he could still keep the job, but he said that if he didn’t quit, she would personally call the station herself to embarrass him. These manipulative tactics further undermined my relationship with my children. It was deeply disheartening to realize that my ex was purposefully undermining the parent-child bond I had cherished, leaving me grappling with the emotional toll of this ongoing parental alienation.
Moreover, my ex's behavior of parentification deeply concerned me as she burdened our children with her emotional struggles and utilized them as her sounding board during the divorce. My eldest son shared with me how she would take walks with him and extensively vent about the difficulties she was facing and how bad I was. This revelation was distressing to hear, as it demonstrates how she placed adult-level emotional responsibilities on our children, compromising their well-being. Using our children as her confidantes and asking for their support about the divorce is unhealthy and unfair to children. This further reinforced my belief that her actions were having a detrimental impact on our children's mental and emotional welfare.
The issue is, I was completely unaware of what was happening with my children. Once I moved out of the family home, I had no way of knowing what she was doing or saying. My youngest son stopped talking to me, and my eldest child eventually opened up and shared some of the troubling behaviors exhibited by their mother. Regrettably, by the time this happened, the damage had been done.
In this blog, I've only scratched the surface of the behaviors exhibited by alienators. Research indicates that there are 17 distinct tactics employed by parental alienators. While there's much more to explore on this topic, I'll delve deeper in future blogs. For now, I'd like to provide some strategies for those who suspect they are being alienated from their child or children. These coping strategies can help you navigate through the challenges and foster a positive approach in your journey of healing and reconciliation.
Coping Strategies:
Parental alienation can lead to profound feelings of grief for the rejected or alienated parent. I still long and miss my youngest son. The grief comes and goes but it will never go away.
Seeking support is essential. Reach out to a family therapist, divorce coach, counselor, or support group specializing in parental alienation. I felt very alone and confused in this journey, and I unfortunately did not reach out for support when I really needed it.
Maintain open and loving communication with your child, even if they don't respond immediately. Let them know that you're always there to listen and support them. Try to stay involved in your child's life by attending school events, volunteering at their school, attending their extracurricular activities, and important occasions whenever possible. Demonstrating your ongoing presence and interest can have a positive impact over time. I still try to connect by email with my youngest son, and it has been years.
Keep detailed records of your efforts to communicate with your child, such as messages, phone calls, and visitation attempts. These records could be useful in legal proceedings or parenting/custody evaluations. Journal everything, as you may think you will remember, but over time things can get fuzzy.
It's important to remain calm and patient during this difficult time with your ex. Avoid engaging in heated arguments or confrontations that might escalate the conflict further.
If parental alienation continues to threaten your parental rights, consider consulting with an experienced family law attorney who has experience with alienation.
Educate yourself about parental alienation, its impact on children, and effective strategies to address it. Being well-informed will empower you to make better decisions and respond appropriately. As I mentioned, I was not aware this could even happen.
Take care of your physical and emotional well-being as you cope with parental alienation. I did do this well. I kept active and looked after my health, and that helped me tremendously.
Engage in activities that bring you joy and surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and family.
As hard as it may be when your ex is causing the alienation, do not talk badly about the other parent, as this may further strain your relationship with your child and could be used against you.
Stay patient and persistent in rebuilding trust and connection with your child. Despite the challenges of alienation, show unwavering love and support. Your child may be going through emotional turmoil, so offer reassurance and understanding. With time and dedication, the hope is you can foster a healthy bond and navigate parental alienation more effectively.
Caution: They will Deny
As time went on, my frustration, shock, and anger only grew. I would question her actions, hoping that she would finally recognize the harm she was causing to our son and me. However, she consistently denied everything, leaving me feeling helpless and disheartened. I soon came to realize that expecting a "Perry Mason Moment" – a dramatic revelation where parental alienators admit their wrongdoing – was wishful thinking. Such moments of truth are seldom found in real life. Instead, they tend to avoid acknowledging their actions and evade taking responsibility for the emotional damage they've inflicted. This lack of self-reflection and refusal to feel guilt can be deeply hurtful, leaving us to grapple with the profound impact of their choices. Coping with the aftermath of parental alienation becomes an uphill battle, as we strive to heal from the wounds they've caused.
Conclusion
In this blog, I've shared my personal experience, shedding light on the profound impact of parental alienation. It is my sincere hope that by sharing my journey, we can foster greater empathy and understanding for those facing similar challenges.
Though I continue to face the pain of parental alienation, I hold onto hope for a future reunion with my youngest son. While I cannot fully encompass my entire story in one blog, my ultimate aim is to raise awareness about parental alienation. Together, let's work towards a world where children's emotional well-being takes precedence, and parental alienation is met with more understanding, compassion, and support.
Extra resources:
The International Support Network of Alienated Families (ISNAF), Website https://isnaf.info/
National shared parenting website https://www.sharedparenting.or
Prevalence of parental alienation drawn from a representative poll:
Science Direct: Jennifer J. Harman a, Sadie Leder-Elder b, Zeynep Biringen https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2016.04.021
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About the author Kirk Mosna
Kirk believed in treating his ex fairly to allow both parties to move forward. However, he was unprepared for the unexpected post-abuse behavior of his ex, resulting in the unfortunate severance of his bond with his youngest son due to parental alienation. This distressing experience has motivated Kirk to shed light on parental alienation, which surprisingly occurs in 1 out of 7 divorces. He is passionate about helping others avoid excessive legal fees by approaching divorce as a business while raising awareness and providing support for those affected by parental alienation.
Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.
